Shedding Shoulds

Posted on July 21, 2019 by happynisha

I feel unstuck in two key areas of my life after 20 years of struggling, and I wanted to share how this happened. The areas are weight and clutter. Let’s start with clutter and I will share more about weight loss in another post. 

I do not have a lot of clutter. I am like the average person who has just a little more than I need – extra books on my bookshelves, papers in my reading pile, and clothes in my closet. For that reason, my living space can get slightly messy. That said, I have always wanted a zero-clutter, tranquil home that feels Zen.

A good part of my mental energy and attention has been focused on resolving these issues for the past two decades. Yet I wasn’t able to make much progress despite all my efforts and it felt like I was always swimming upstream. 

I finally turned a meaningful corner on both journeys and it happened with one key step – I started listening to my inner voice and shedding shoulds. 

There is a lot to share about my journey because it is 15 years in the making. The long story short is that it has been about studying happiness. There have many chapters, such as studying a guru’s teachings, reading lots and lots (and more) books, meditating, becoming a life coach, self-coaching, being coached and learning lots of tools. All these things made a profound impact in my life, but didn’t move the needle on these two, long-standing issues. 

What changed my life most profoundly was listening to my inner guide. I have this still, quiet voice that is trying to help me through life, but I wasn’t able to listen to it because of my doubting mind. I think we all have this inner voice. Louise Hay called it her inner ding and others have referred to it as a feeling of coming home. When you get into alignment with your inner voice, it feels like you’re in flow with life and it feels amazing.

Connecting with one’s inner voice can be achieved in a variety of ways like creating space in our life to hear this voice, slowing down before making decisions or committing to things to check in with oneself, journaling, discussing issues with loved ones or meditating.

I had been doing all these things, but still wasn’t able to connect to my inner guide because my doubting mind was loud, almost as if a tantrum-throwing child (or adult!) was walking around clanging pots in my head! I used to have so much trouble making the simplest of decisions, such as whether to part with a dress or attend an event. 

I turned to muscle testing. Muscle testing has been used in numerous modalities of natural healing and Eastern approaches for decades. The primary idea is that it gives us access to our deeper wisdom stored within the body and uncluttered by the doubting mind. While this tool was necessary for my journey, your journey may not need this practice and may be better enhanced with any of the ideas in the above paragraph.

Back to clutter, I started going through my possessions to see which ones spark joy; thank you for your wisdom, Marie Kondo! I had read her book years ago (and highly recommend it), but wasn’t able to put the brilliant ideas into practice since I was unable to connect to my inner wisdom about what I really wanted or did not want…and, ultimately, who I truly am.

I realized everything I kept was something I thought I should do. I should read this book. I should keep this dress because there is nothing wrong with it. There were a lot of deeper, limiting beliefs about being fortunate, not taking that for granted and not wasting things.

If you’re like me in that regard, here is a thought to flip that line of thinking on its head. If it’s unused in your home, it is going to waste and creating ‘stuckness’ in your life. By giving it away or donating it, you’re actually giving the object a chance to enhance someone else’s life. You’re also freeing up your mental and physical space, which creates room for the universe to send good your way. 

More importantly, by keeping these things around me physically, I was constantly, subconsciously signaling that I wasn’t good enough as I was or with the decisions I had made. Why do I need to read any specific book? I have read plenty of books and will read plenty more in my life. My inner guide was pointing to other books and I have been reading all these years, just not 100% of the books on my bookshelves. 

I realized even deeper within me was another limiting belief that I would miss an important message or piece of knowledge. Instead, I started really trusting life knowing that if I am meant to get a message, it will come to me and life will keep trying until it does.

I dropped the shoulds and the extra books and clothes too! Interestingly, as I’ve been shedding shoulds, it’s been easier to shed excess weight too. While I am still going through my home clearing journey, I wanted to share this approach because I really do feel unstuck and fantastic. Here’s to you shedding shoulds and getting into the flow of life 🙂

Posted in decluttering, goals, inspiration, life, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Unconditional Love

Posted on August 4, 2013 by happynisha

In life, we are all seeking unconditional love. The reason we want love on unconditional terms is because it doesn’t feel good to be loved with conditions or to live according to a manual someone else has written for us. We want to be loved and accepted for the people we are today.

Perhaps you have a family member whose love feels conditional – a parent who thinks they know the perfect career or partner for you, an extended family member who scolds you for not visiting more often or a spouse that expects presents and flowers. We all know what this feels like and it doesn’t feel good.

We shy away from people who are pushy in this way and gravitate more towards those that love us unconditionally. Being around the second group of people is fun. We want to give them gifts and shower them back with love. We see all that is wonderful and good about them, and are unaffected by their flaws.

We want everyone to love us this way, but we can’t control that. We can, however, treat ourselves the way we’d like others to treat us and show them the way. So, it’s important to ask – is your love for yourself unconditional?

Does it depend on if you go to the gym? Eat nutritious food? Look a certain way? Act with the patience of a saint? Volunteer? Do something so called worthwhile with your day? Is it based on being a good friend, family member or worker?

None of these things are bad in and of themselves. In fact, many of us set these types of aspirations and it’s good to have goals. However, are we making ourselves unworthy if we don’t do these things? Are we denying ourselves our own love because we’ve made it conditional?

I’d venture to say we are. There may be moments of unconditional self-love, but they are probably surrounded by many moments of conditional love. You can tell the difference between the two because you exude happiness in the former state. You fill yourself up with so much love that your cup runneth over and into the world.

When we do not, we are in an endless cycle of trying to extract love from things around us – relationships, food, objects, activities – but it’s never enough to fill the void of unconditional love. As a result, we become needy in relationships, eat too much, shop too much and so on.

So what’s the goal here? It’s to love ourselves no matter what we do. Surprisingly, if we’re successful at this, it doesn’t matter if others are incapable of unconditional love because our quota for it is being met.

It’s worth noting that this is different than not taking responsibility for your actions. We are always responsible for what we think, feel, say and do. Just know that you can be responsible and love yourself.

Now we get to the million-dollar question. How do we do this?

Look at how you are with someone or something you love unconditionally and mirror those thoughts, feelings and actions towards yourself.

I’ll share an example from my life. I have a friend I love unconditionally and she is the same way with me. This is what I think and feel about her:

  • I think she’s brilliant, kindhearted and beautiful. No matter what she does or how she looks, I see her inner and outer beauty.
  • I think she is capable of putting her mind to anything she wants to do in life and achieving success. I believe in her that much.
  • I think she deserves the very best in life.
  • I am surprised if someone doesn’t love her as much as I do. How could you miss her awesomeness? That means I never question her worthiness. It’s just not up for debate, and it’s certainly not something I’d leave up to another to decide.
  • I know she has flaws but I see that as part of her humanity and have figured out how to see the humor in them from a place of love.
  • I know she’s doing her best in any given moment. I forgive her easily on the rare occasion I am upset with her. 

Now the question is do I think, feel and act like this with myself?  Do I think I am amazing, know I’m always trying my best and forgive myself easily? Do I find humor in my flaws and see them as a part of the human experience?

If not, that’s the relationship to work on first and trust that every relationship in our life will improve as we work on this one. Also, life will become more and more fun as we do.

Ready to do this?  I am too 🙂

Posted in inspiration, life, love, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

My Notebook

Posted on July 20, 2013 by happynisha

Often clients of coaches erroneously assume their coach has a perfect life or, at the very least, is perfect at whatever they are teaching.

That’s not true. In fact, another theory poses that what we need to learn most we teach.

I like to think that most teachers gain a certain level of mastery that is above the level of their students before they begin teaching. That feels good and right to me. For instance, a 10th grade physics teacher knows more than 10th grade level physics but probably not as much as Nobel prizing winning physicists, who might be their teachers.

I used to think I wouldn’t be ready to coach until I had my life all ‘figured out.’  After all, I am a ‘life’ coach. I have learned and continuously remind myself that there is no such thing as being ‘done’ with this work.

The more we learn, the more opportunities 😉 we are given by life to deepen that knowledge. There will be a day when things will feel mostly good and thoughts will, for the most part, be positive, supportive ones because these practices will become habit.

Waiting for that day is not a good use of time nor does it feel good. In fact, it only prolongs the happiness we’re working so hard to get.

I want to be clear. I write this blog because I am usually putting these philosophies into deeper practice at the moment I’m writing about them and doing so helps solidify the concepts for me. I love this body of knowledge and live by it to the best of my ability because it has made me happier. I hope it does the same for you.

I am still a student myself so I reread these blog posts because I forget the messages and need to remind myself. It is my notebook like the one in the movie/book “The Notebook” by Nicholas Sparks. For those that don’t understand the reference, I’ll explain it in the next paragraph so skip ahead if you hate spoilers.

In “The Notebook,” the husband reads his wife their love story everyday from a notebook because she has lost her ability to remember. She keeps forgetting and doesn’t know who he is most of the time. As he reads her their story, it starts to sound familiar and she remembers but soon forgets again. This isn’t far from how we operate with these teachings.

My coach friends and I remind each other of these ‘truths’ often. In fact, that’s a big part of what we do when we’re coaching one another.

Make no mistake. We’re all in this together. The truth is often simple, so simple that it’s easy to forget. You probably need a notebook to remind yourself of it over and over when it slips from the forefront of your mind. Have fun creating your notebook. I will continue to add to the one we are using together – this site.

Here’s to being students of life and enjoying class 🙂

This post was inspired by my friend and fellow coach, Kasia Pytowska.

Posted in inspiration, life, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

It’s Not Luck, Go Ahead and Bask in Your Success

Posted on June 22, 2013 by happynisha

Things are going well in my life. I was telling loved ones about some great updates and I noticed two things:

  1. I chocked it up to luck. I would say, “Yeah I’m so lucky that this, that or the other is happening…”
  2. I was sometimes afraid to be elated about the wonderful ongoings because I wasn’t sure how I or others felt about my success.

I really listened to what I was saying about being lucky and I decided to change that description because it is inaccurate. It’s not luck. It is this work in action. I have been paying very close attention to what I say, think and write about my life. This is because thoughts create our life as simple as placing an order at a deli counter. If you are focused on love, which is like ordering love, the universe serves that up. If you are focused on fear, the universe serves that up.

One of the things I had to do to put this work in action was to get over my guilt about being more materially successful than my parents. I felt bad ‘doing’ better than them. Then I realized I wasn’t any more worthy of success and achievement than they are. I don’t deserve success anymore than anyone else does and I’ll tell you why – it’s because we all deserve it. We are all worthy of love and belonging. We are all worthy of success.

We might not all get material success because we don’t know how the universe works. Once we accept that what we think creates our world, it’s pretty simple. It’s not luck. It’s thinking great, loving thoughts followed by action spurred from that emotional state.

No one taught my parents this when they were my age. This knowledge has become more mainstream, and therefore, accessible in the past twenty or thirty years to people like me. I know what we think creates our reality and I know how to live according to these philosophies.

I will not describe my current state of affairs as luck nor will I feel guilty about my success. Instead, I will note how grateful I am to the universe over and over.

It’s possible that some won’t want to hear about it and that’s ok. I rejoice in my success enough on my own every time I bask in it and every time I am grateful. If others rejoice in my success as well, that’s just a plus.

Here’s to creating success. It’s possible and even simple once you know the way the universe works.

Posted in inspiration, life, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

It Gets Easier and Easier

Posted on May 24, 2013 by happynisha

Sometimes changing your story feels so hard. It feels like you’re working against a force that’s going to drag you down.

Have hope. It gets easier and easier every time you do it.

Remember the first time you drove a car or rode a bike? It felt so overwhelming trying to remember all the instructions. You weren’t sure how you were going to do it.

Your first driving lesson went something like this…you got behind the steering wheel, the driving instructor told you to set your side and rearview mirrors, adjust your seat, buckle your belt, put your foot on the brake, turn the key in the ignition, put the car in drive, check all around you to make sure it was clear, take your foot off the brake, slowly steer to the stop sign, put on the turn indicator, check both ways were clear and make your first turn ever…and you did it 🙂

You wondered if it was always going to be this hard. After all, this was just the beginning. The next step was to get on the road with other moving vehicles, real cars!  No more simulations or parking lots.

The answer to your question was no. It wasn’t going to remain that hard. In fact, it would never be that hard again. It would only get easier and easier.

Now, it’s so easy that you can talk on the phone (handsfree I hope!), follow a gps navigation system and adjust your mirror – all at the same time. The way to your house is so familiar that you’re sometimes surprised to find yourself home because you paid little attention to the journey.

Changing your story will be like that one day. It’ll be so easy that you’ll do it without even noticing.

Until then, keep going. You’re making progress every day. Give yourself credit for it. What you have done, haven’t done and how long it’s taking is part of your story too.

When you’re feeling heavy and running out of hope, remind yourself that it gets easier and easier every time you lift yourself out of that space. You’ll look back on this day in the future and list all the things you can easily do – tie your shoes, ride a bike, drive a car, change your story…

Posted in inspiration, life, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Your Truth Feels Good

Posted on May 18, 2013 by happynisha

As you go through life, there is one guidepost you can come back to again and again: how you feel. Your truth (your best life, your right journey) feels good. If you don’t feel good, you’ve turned away from your truth.

There is a concept that all emotions can be boiled down to two root feelings of love and fear. The idea is that we are born in love (our truth) and learn fear.

Fear and true danger are not the same thing. Danger can be summed up into lack and attack. The first occurs when we lack essential things to live: food, water, air or any other necessity to fill our most basic, immediate need. The second is when we are physically threatened and about to be attacked.

Think back to primitive times. We were fighting for basic resources and against threats from animals or rival groups. Many of us no longer have true dangers in our modern lives with modern conveniences.

An example given to support this theory is the nature of babies, which is thought to be representative of our true nature. Babies are loving beings that have infectious smiles, laughter and joy. They cry to signal needs such as hunger and exhaustion (lack) but return to an inherent state of love. When they get scared, it’s a primal fear because they think they are in danger (attack). Babies don’t know mental fear until they are socialized by adults to feel it.

Why is this important to know?

If you’re feeling a negative emotion, you’ve lost connection with your truth. If your feeling state isn’t coming from a root of love, it’s coming from fear.

When you find yourself in the grips of a negative emotion, pause for a moment. Breathe and try to find the fearful thought. It’s usually not that deep below the surface nor is it complicated.

If I set out to write this blog convinced I won’t be able to convey a complicated theory succinctly, I’m bound to fail. If I work while thinking, “I’m a clear thinker, and I express myself with ease,” all of the sudden I do just that. When I think the former, it feels bad. That’s not my truth. When I think the latter, I feel motivated and good. That’s my truth.

If a loved one is annoying you, it’s not really the person but your thought that’s causing annoyance. Emotions are a result of thoughts. Your thoughts tell you so and so should act this and that way. When they don’t, you don’t feel good. That expectation isn’t your truth. It feels bad.

If you can think this person is doing the best they can and really believe that, you’ll feel relief and peace. That’s coming from your foundation of love. That’s your truth.

All thoughts of blame, resentment, unforgiveness, hate, criticism and judgment are not your truth. They are learned behaviors that cause a host of negative feelings rooted in fear.

Thoughts of forgiveness and love are your truth.

You’ll know you’re moving away from your truth when you feel bad and you’ll know you’re moving closer to your truth when you feel good.

There are times when we want something, a substance we’re addicted to like food, alcohol, money, praise, shoes 🙂 you name it. The act of wanting these things can seemingly feel good and be misleading. This isn’t really your truth though.

Your truth causes bliss, joy and exuberance from within. None of these (sometimes addictive) things can cause that. They cause happiness at the surface level of life. Happiness, at this level, has been studied. It is said that material objects, even those of great worth, lose luster after about 9 months. That’s not truth. Truth doesn’t expire in 9 months.

One of the most beautiful images and analogies for life is that of a still pond. If a rock is thrown into it, the water at the surface ripples. The water at the foundation of the pond doesn’t; the rock is accepted peacefully and gently as it floats to the bottom.

Know that your truth, your true nature, is within you. Like the bottom of the pond, there is stillness and joy, a peace so profound that it can’t be disturbed, a truth so real all you have to do is feel your way there. When you get a little lost in life’s ups and downs, remember your foundation.

Your truth feels good and that’s how you know the way back to it.

This blog post was inspired by a conversation with my friend and fellow coach, Kasia Pytowska.

Posted in inspiration, life, love | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

The World is a Mirror

Posted on May 10, 2013 by happynisha

I once read a book about dogs that suggests describing your pet as an exercise. The book was mostly cute pictures of all types of dogs and funny little sayings. Hidden towards the back was this exercise I’m describing. Because of the manner in which it was included in the book, almost as an afterthought, I was an unsuspecting participant.

I did the exercise. This is what I wrote, 12 years ago, about our family dog who was alive at the time.

Noble is lovable, awesome, cute as hell, capable of mood swings from love to anger and has a quick temper. She can be kind of a bitch sometimes. She is fun and brings immense joy to the people that love her. She is energetic, hard to teach and needy for love.

Ok, step one of the exercise done. Check.

I read on and the exercise says the way I describe my dog is a good description of me.

What?  A bitch?  I mean, I said it in a loving way… It’s true that she could be bitchy at times but I loved her with all my heart!  I started to backpedal on my description.

As much as I wanted to deny it, the description was true for me through and through at that point in my life. All the good things and the bad, it was a package deal.

Here’s the premise behind this exercise. What you see in others is what you see in yourself.

If you see yourself through eyes of love, you see others through those same eyes.

If see yourself through eyes of criticism, you see others through those same eyes.

Someone who loves themselves a lot flows through life easily and shares that love with others. Someone who is very critical of themselves struggles in life and is very critical of others.

What does this mean for us?

  • The power to change is within all of us. It’s how we talk to ourselves, how we act with ourselves, how we think. What we do to ourselves, we do to others.
  • How someone else talks to us, acts with us and thinks of us isn’t about us, it’s about them. If the way I see others is about me. The way others see me is about them.

Relax. Enjoy your life. Let others act, say and do what they will. Let them judge. It’s not about you. It’s about them.

When you notice yourself judging others, ask yourself how and why you judge yourself in the same way.

Since that day, I’ve worked hard to retrain my eyes to those of love. The less critical I am of myself, the less critical I am of others. The more I love myself, the more I love others.

Today, I understand very well that how I see others is how I see myself. The world is a mirror.

I’m still working on retraining my eyes, but my description of Noble is different today. It’s kinder and more about how much I loved her.

This is the way to happy. It’s a bumpy ride that’s going to make you sweat, cry, question everything, laugh, soar and make your chest burst with joy – so buckle up. I hope you enjoy the journey.

Why would we ever choose not to?

Posted in inspiration, life, love | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Aaahhh!!! I Have Too Many Thoughts to Change!!!

Posted on May 6, 2013 by happynisha

Many people feel discouraged when they think about how many thoughts there are to change once they embark on this journey. I am familiar with this concern because I was one of those people.

Some sources say we have up to 70,000 thoughts in a day. I’m not sure about you but I feel like taking a nap when I think about changing 70,000 thoughts. Don’t worry; we’re not trying to change all of our thoughts, only the ones that feel bad.

Here’s the good, yet startling news. We generally have the same thoughts from day to day. If you think your coworkers suck, you had that thought yesterday; you’re having it today and chances are you’ll have it tomorrow. Unless you do something to change that thought, the law of motion is at play. An object (our thinking pattern) in motion stays in motion.

This means you’re not really trying to change 70,000 new thoughts each day. You’re just focusing on a handful of repetitive thoughts that cause you pain. If you think your coworkers suck, many additional thoughts spin off of that negative one. Addressing that one thought changes several after that.

Here’s a good thought to try out for a bit:

I only have one thought to work at a time, the one that is presently causing me pain.

On that note, let’s stay with the example of the coworker that “sucks.” If you don’t have a challenging relationship with a coworker, envision a family member or classmate. Read through the remaining text thinking of someone specifically from your life. You’ll feel much better in just a few minutes if you do. Here we go:

My coworker (family member, classmate, etc.) is stupid and unhelpful (thought).

This thought probably causes you to feel angry. When you’re angry (feeling), you interact with your coworker in an unkind, tense manner (action). This person doesn’t do their best work when interacting with you because the relationship is strained and the situation remains the same with the coworker “sucking” (result).

The idea here is to actively pick a new thought once you identify the one that is causing you to feel bad. Keep working with your thoughts and challenging your negative story. The goal is to arrive at a new story that causes you to really feel good. This may take some time; go at a pace that enables you to believe each new thought.

My coworker is stupid and unhelpful.

Turns to…

S/he isn’t trying to be stupid and unhelpful.

I really don’t know anyone that wants to be considered stupid and unhelpful so s/he isn’t doing it intentionally.

When someone acts like that, they are really hurting themselves. It feels bad to treat someone badly and I know this from my own personal experience.

That is how s/he is treating herself. (I truly believe the way we treat others is how we treat ourselves.)

If my thought patterns cause my feelings and actions, then my coworker’s thought patterns cause his/hers feelings and actions. This isn’t about me, it’s about his/her thoughts.

S/he’s doing the best s/he can.

Now, sit back and reflect on how you feel. Do you feel more relaxed, peaceful, lighter? Are you breathing easier and more deeply?  I know I am 😉

Envision interacting with this person. Perhaps you bring a feeling of compassion to the next encounter. S/he might act in a way that you would have interpreted as difficult in the past, but now you know this isn’t about you. It’s about him/her. You’re at peace and you act that way. You’ve taken your power back. Your feelings are under your control. It’s your choice what you think and, therefore, how you feel.

That’s the power of your thoughts. You chose to feel better and you improved a challenging relationship by changing one thought. Rock on.

Posted in inspiration, life | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Creating Even More Change: Begin Where You Are

Posted on April 29, 2013 by happynisha

You may attribute problems to things going on in your life, but problems are really a result of your thinking. The best and easiest way to deal with your problems is by changing your thoughts as the well known book title suggests – Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life.

Last week, we reviewed, in brief, how to create a general sense of happiness through affirmations (top down approach).

An equally important approach is to start with the thoughts causing great suffering. Begin exactly where you are on any issue in your life (bottom up approach).

Here’s an easy to understand example. If you are single and you don’t want to be, you might have a thought that you’re never going to meet your ideal partner. That thought is exactly why you’re single and why you’ll continue to stay single.

Here’s how it works. You think, “I’m never going to meet anyone.”

How do you feel with that thought?

You probably feel hopeless and like there is something wrong with you (inadequate).

How do you act when you’re in a situation to meet someone with that thought, for instance at a party or another social event?  When you feel hopeless or inadequate, you probably act in an inauthentic way. Perhaps you act a little too desperate or needy.

Let’s step outside this example for a moment. How you respond to someone hitting on you that seems desperate or needy?  You probably feeling icky (that’s a technical term), like ending the conversation politely but quickly and finding someone else to talk to.

Has it become abundantly clear why you’re alone (sometimes literally) with that thought?

Now that the problem has been identified and the impact in your life is clear, let’s discuss how to create change. Address your thoughts and the negative parts of your story to bring about change. Intentionally pick a new, better feeling thought.

Here’s the trick to this approach, you have to believe the new thought. Going from “I’m never going to meet anyone,” to “I can manifest my ideal partner,” is often too big of a leap for people.

You might be thinking right now, “But I do think and believe I’m going to meet someone.”

That’s true, you might on occasion think and believe that thought. If you’re single and you don’t want to be, you’re probably also thinking some of the other thoughts noted here. You likely think these negative feeling thoughts just as often, if not more and with greater conviction.

Take a (mental) step you’re sure you’ll be able to take without falling. Likely, it’ll be a baby step before you can learn to run with this new line of thinking. Keep affirming the thought over and over until you feel a sense of mental boredom, which signals you’re ready for another challenge or mental step.

This is one way to change your story if this example applies to you. Make this progression of thoughts yours and rephrase anything that doesn’t feel right for you.

I’m never going to meet anyone.

(Turns to…)

There are unpleasant people in relationships so I know I’ll find someone since I’m nice. (Hey, no one said these thoughts had to be angelic! Try to keep ’em kind though. :))

I’m hoping being with someone is going to make me feel loved; I can love myself in the way I am seeking.

I complete me, not Tom Cruise 😉

I have fun being with myself.

Dating me is fun.

Hey, I’m a good catch!

I’m a great catch!

There are people out there who would want to be with me.

I know I’ll meet someone soon and I’ll get to try new restaurants as I’m dating.

Dating is fun!

The idea is to start negating the negative belief and then turn the train of thoughts positive. It’s really important that you make a mental leap that won’t cause another thought of “Yeah right” to pop up. If it did, you went too far so back up a thought or two.

While you’re doing this, keep going with the top down approach described last week. Underneath the surface thought, “I’m never going to meet someone,” is the thought that something is wrong with me. That’s why it’s best to create change with both techniques.

This could take days or months. The determining factors on how long it takes are how negative your story has been to date and how much work you put into the change process.

Happy changing!  It really is fun and you’ll start to feel good!  While you’re in the midst of picking thoughts try on the following one:

All the changes that lie before me are positive ones 🙂

Posted in inspiration, life, love | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Creating Change

Posted on April 20, 2013 by happynisha

There is a concept in wellness and nutrition called “crowding out.”  A great example of this philosophy in action is when you want to transition from conventional beauty care products to natural or organic products.  This theory suggests you start replacing the items that run out one by one with natural products.  It’s more about adding in than taking away.  You do not throw out everything on your bathroom shelves because that, mentally, seems too drastic and might prevent you from making any change.

I think it’s the same with our thoughts.  You start slowly by adding a few good thoughts to crowd out the negative ones rather than trying to overhaul your entire negative story at once.  I know of two really good ways to do this – the top down approach or the bottom up approach. We’re going to focus on the top down approach for now.

The top down approach involves intentionally changing your negative thoughts to better feeling thoughts. You do this to create a general feeling of happiness without focusing on any particular problem.

Many of us struggle with similar, negative fundamental beliefs.  You might not be aware of them because they are sometimes subtle and manifest in our lives in the form of various problems.  To crowd out universal, negative beliefs such as:

I’m not good enough. or Something is wrong with me.

Start saying to yourself:

I love myself just the way I am.  I love myself just the way I am.  I love myself just the way I am.  I love myself just the way I am.

Repeat this to yourself over and over throughout the day.  Aim to say it 500 times a day.

This might seem cheesy but if you can’t tell yourself that you love yourself and mean it, then how can you expect others in your life to love you?  You go first.  People treat you the way you teach them to treat you.  If they see you love and respect yourself and talk to yourself kindly, they will model that behavior.

Back to the exercise, I recommend repeating this, or any other positive affirmation, while going through your morning routine. Another good opportunity to practice is when doing activities that require low level of attention like dishes or straightening up the apartment.  You’ll be organizing papers, repeating the phrase and you’ll get a little distracted.  Honestly, you’ll be surprised at the routine the mind has gotten into since you haven’t been paying attention.  Your thoughts quickly turn to worry, self criticism or criticism of others.

That’s ok.  This is part of the process.  Come back to the affirmation.  Just like meditation, the exercise teaches mindfulness, concentration and mastery of the mind.

Feeling any resistance to this?  That’s normal.  It’s actually part of Newton’s law of motion.  The reason objects (your current mental patterns) stay in motion is because they resist change in their state of motion.  You’re normal; everything you’re feeling is normal. Now get to work 🙂

Posted in inspiration, life, love | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment